Listen to the newest episode of my podcast, The MRDR Music Mission: 1.23 Prime Freedom Grace FaceTime Crimes MRDR Music Mission .d.i.m.es https://anchor.fm/Mrdr/episodes/1-23-Prime-Freedom-Grace-FaceTime-Crimes-MRDR-Music-Mission–d-i-m-es-e3o30h
It’s time for another brand new MRDR Music Mission, my podcast all about great songs played and performed by fantastic musician friends of mine. This new episode is #19 in the series and was recorded live at Be On Key Psychedelic Ripple on March 25, 2019. So here now below is the fruit of many many fine people’s labor.
Kind of you. Kind of you.
Kind of rehab.
Kind of a human to do something like that. So, so there he was making you feel like you’re just crazy. Wow. He was probably like I’m not doing it and I know that my friend wouldn’t do it so she must be crazy.
Well I’m gonna wake up and the Friend is now on top of me. So I wanted to experiment on her whenever we’re four hours away from home. These are only right. So, my boyfriend Finally wakes up the first thing that comes out his mouth is
‘fucking now Don’t call the cops or else we’ll have no way home’.
Man, that’s a fucking millstone around your neck. Like I know you just got fucking violated in your sleep And I know that sucks and… but yeah, Wow.
We’re sitting, we’re talking about it. We’re making breakfast,
all three of you?
Well, yeah, I know to me I just can’t imagine it’s just. I just can’t imagine it. just that atmosphere of the night.
So I’m smoking a cigarette and the fondler sitting like basically right here next to me. I’m smoking a cigarette And we’re talking. And I’m like, ‘I can’t believe you!’ like what like in your fucking right mind blah blah blah. And I kept looking at my cigarette. And I’m thinking, I can’t call the fucking cops. So I took my cigarette. And I’m not saying I if I can like put it up. No, I slowly pressed down, I spun it, listening to his fucking skin sizzle.
Wow, he didn’t get up to move in the wrong way.
Oh, it was quick enough. You know what I mean. It was. It was just one of those things but it was almost like a slow motion moment for me because it was like You son of a bitch i looks at him and I said, ‘I’m not given a choice right now of what I need to do. But I want you to fucking forever remember. remember me. And know that you’re getting a break. Two weeks later he rapes a 15 year old girl. And wow, those are the things like when I say that I’m tired, my husband. the reason why like any of this, this started happening is one of my best friends that I grew up with. I knew him for 15 years. He was having some problems with his wife that’s willing to come over come to y’all. We did some coke together. Same thing! tries to take advantage of me. What the fuck dude? Like what’s wrong with you? He’s chasing me around the house with his dick out! My dumbass goes running into the fucking bathroom. I’m trapped. So I told him ‘you know what I say. Dont cum in me. You know- Don’t hurt me. And when you’re done Get the fuck out .well at that time. I know that talk to text state your Google account, you My husband and I shared a Google account and I sent a message to my upstairs neighbor neighbor saying Did he rape me or did I consent? because this is what I said my husband comes home earlier it was not that good. Yeah well I’ve but my husband came home early didn’t even put two and two together because he never came home and he sits down on my couch. And he goes, so did you can say or do right so I explained to him what happened to me was your fucking liar. It was like you’ve known him for how long it was going to do it, he would have done it already. So this is me wonder how do women have the strength and the beauty and the grace to actually Show the person that they do alone that affection if it’s just you know like it seems like women desire and want all mixed up into like you know nasty side of you know don’t okay just in your mind you’re like okay if I fight I might end up with a broken nose missing teeth are fucking unwanted pregnancy that is so or not video yeah that’s what I ended up look I used to cut on looks Literally on that first part for me I have to emotionally be attached to you. How could I wonder how yeah okay but yeah if I feel uncomfortable I’ll give it to you because I’m afraid of what will happen if Wow. Well that’s the thing with this on YouTube movements like, you know, just thinking like I wonder like how these guys like we go through life and just like the massage service Okay, go ahead and get it blows up. Now I’m sticking term sexual. All right? Anybody does anything it’s a sexual thing. That’s why so many women are okay to get older and not necessarily be the object of affection anymore because they’re like okay, Lisa don’t have which is kind of sexy in the way and
so I think that what that does though, is that makes half the men maybe more read the words not timid but more like, Well, why do I even bother my girls, I got all this internet here. I can have this I’ll be fine I don’t need if I can record a lot of do so I’m just like what we like 26 million the young women for Rosie palm to the rest of your life like see to me there’s still a thrill and like that first kiss and they might even if it’s just going to be for two days like nine you have those two days together and like not having the tabs and like I just don’t know how like once a man hears that you know your statement What wouldn’t click in their head like oh, like I know that men are hearing that is Oh yeah, she’s given the green light to go for it. But it’s like, why would you want why would you want it on those terms? You know, why would you want it and like I can do whatever I want. But I just I can look you in the eyes. You know, like okay, every time I got nine times out of 10 Yeah you’re right kind of trying to figure it out right where there is no figuring out what’s in that head because there’s just so much anger women too and I don’t know where that comes from and it’s not because I have a daughter but I know that there’s just a lot of anger women like online and here and there and like you know, like time to like even up until now if you if you like,
Okay My home is they all start with me. I like there’s a flight he goes, can I tie your shoes for what he goes you don’t fall for nobody else you’re stupid. You know like, but they don’t object objectify. Like, make me feel uncomfortable. You know they may say I want to fucking like one of them will be like, I want you to sell me. You know, but I know that that Phil has my back. He is that he would do anything for me. And when push came to shove he would I’m sure you would like me to, you know? But he’s respectfully perverted. You know what it means? Yeah. If there’s a difference, and that’s where I feel safe with him that even though he’s a dirty bastard, you know, but then there’s the other side of it. Or like, it’s just like, Ah, you know? Yeah, I do. It’s Yeah, it does. And I was talking with a guy who actually have several several times since then, like guys and so it’s just it’s the biggest thing like, Oh, I can never turn that said I’ve never turned I turned that sex and then I’m like, Oh, I should not sex sex for later. Know get in and get it was getting heard. I think maybe the because of that attitude reign supreme. Like it’s a conquest or like you know if a woman wants to have sex A man has to have sex and everybody I don’t know I didn’t really it’s hard to think about this talks about sexuality. I think it really damages people though because people aren’t allowed to say what they want you know i’m saying is that’s the problem in society is that I am psychotic. I do have those thoughts of like, like when my mom sent me the papers I wanted. I had a throwaway on order when I left her house and the only reason why I didn’t get it is because that person was a homie exactly what I wanted to do with it. I wanted my face to be the last face that she thought I was going to take her my kids And myself. Those are the thoughts that I have. Because I am fucking nuts. But I also know as the same person that I am, because I’m intelligent, you don’t do that, you know who So, but at the end of the day if I can’t talk about it, because I’m also a very suicidal person, if I wasn’t able to say everyone’s long, I want to fucking die today. And I can get that out, I might actually do it. That’s what this Mad Hatter’s group was so interesting, because, like, you know, they say like, nothing’s off the table. You can judge you, let’s say they want because it’s true, like people that aren’t allowed to express like, especially around suicide, which I ever so I hate I hate suicide so much. And I feel like it’s just it’s very painful and hurtful, but at the same time, I think that people should be allowed to suicide. But anyway, it was a place where you could go in and say like, Hey, I fuckin think about suicide a lot. And I don’t know somebody. The meditation news I am and it was weird at first because people say that you like the society says like, oh if someone says suicide ideation boom, locking up sending job level. And so it’s because of that I think people are afraid to talk about it. And I think that’s why we have so many fun suicides I might actually act upon and with my kids and I get up to speed 123 just scream as loud as you possibly can because we can’t do that like you would have no idea how screaming three times really loud at the top of their lungs releases so much. I believe it Yeah. Primal Scream therapy can’t because either you’re psychotic. There’s no way ordinances you’re bothering somebody, you know, fasting and that helps me like I always have it handy but I were to wear one for my hair and I wear one kids came in took a little longer because I can hurt myself you know, and it doesn’t leave well well for 2.5 but it doesn’t leave a lasting mark you and I, for the most part, I got all of my scars covered with my tattoo but I am unlike my my mom for a long time and I would talk about my relationship with my mom people would think that I’ve got spoiled brat that Yeah. And then after they listen to a 15 minute conversation between my mom and I played it for a few people, and every time that I’m done playing, I always looked down and I look up and there’s tears in their eyes. They always want to hug me feel sorry for me. I like oh my God, because my mom really does not love me. I’m saying I mean she does but she’s so destructive. My mom This is my family world. For what the fuck happens to me? Well, yeah, at this point there was and I think that’s where I bought that detached love from is because my mom seriously it doesn’t matter who you are, because she did it to her hair and she doesn’t talk to either one of them either. If you piss her off. If you don’t do what she wants. She will cut you off with zero remarks. Kind of building Rebecca respect that in a way I could never live that way and I can understand. But I I admire people that could do that because they have something that I don’t have my way or the highway to. I mean I understand that they are hurting you right? But if it’s like there’s a point in the conversation where she was like, I don’t talk to my mom and my dad and blah blah blah and I did that is my truth. And I said, Yeah, and I said it was really sad is that no matter how much you’ve disappointed them, like you said to you, no matter how much you hurt them, anything like you say that I’ve done to you. They still love you. They still talk about you. You are still there. Done. I can’t say that. And she goes, Well, Kirsten, I do think about you. And I said, Yeah, she said, Oh, I but I do love you now. She said something about you. And I said, Yeah, you can’t take care of somebody for 20 years and not think about the mom. But you don’t love me anymore dispute that. It’s damn well, I mean, because I am not in her. I like I had another thing where she told me she loved me. She was disgusted by my being that I was the biggest mistake that she ever made, was not listening to my papa when he said to abort. Yeah, like that is where and my mom always used to ask me like, why do you go into these tumultuous relationships and walk the walk? Well, Mom, you were my first bullied Yeah so the word Fitch and put in horror and fat and ugly in this and she said oh this isn’t for sure I don’t think like you know so that they’ll never be able to see themselves objectively well and then after my husband I caught my DVD with infinitive beat out of him that night I we technically I guess we’re not which I don’t know how a restraining order and whatever would mean that we were together but I started to date my upstairs neighbor and for the first time in my life fell in love. And for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. to open up 100% and to be me and to love completely and he left me but wow and he’s still here that’s the thing is that he does love me and we don’t want to be with me but now he can’t be with me like this he’s waiting for me cuz he’s all do I need to be sober is an impossible thing though oh I need to be you know whatever people make that never be perfect if you just work blue shirts is that a red shirts? You know, and like to them as well, but like, Yeah, but you’re asking, but the thing is, is that I did pick him up from rehab. He knows what this is. History shouldn’t ask you like that. Well, no, he’s still here for me. I think he’s still my friend. He’s my best friend. But as far as the relationship, I have something we call that boundaries. I guess I’ve never been very good boundaries. I’ve been told by multiple people that I had no boundaries. And I’m like, Well, I guess there’s various ways but I don’t know what you mean by boundaries to me when you say boundary, it’s just human being, but whatever. See, and then, like, so that happened. Well, when he left me, he was he fucking didn’t talk to me for like three months and I was forced to move back in with my mom who obviously is not good for my mental health. Mom’s not good. Yeah. And I kept telling him I would send them messages and I said, You’re the only thing that can fix me right? You’re the only thing that can bring me that like this is the last opportunity I can feel myself slipping link. Please have Hello and he came back to late because I already slipped like I was already gone. I had already felt heard I felt so deep into this fucking bullshit that now trying to pull me out is down here. Fucking impossible. I have learned to look at me and he’s got needles in my bag. But I would have thought in many ways so I just I know it’s just one of those things that it’s like So then after that, like I had gotten I lost my stay at home mom to the store manager for Metro PCs tonight and worked from the bottom of had my jeep member my all my boy Tommy back to my jeep breach of contract, they report it. My boss was my co signer informed him with the repossession and why I got fired. And then you know how the game just takes everything you have anyway it shouldn’t have to it doesn’t even have to go to the heart It’s done taking from me I come to that that point you know but now I mean it’s got nothing left to take anyway he you know but that’s where I’m at and that’s why I’m tired and that’s why it’s because of all these situations all compiled into one and I was the type of person where I like I’m do I wish you would have met Liza sort of like I need to I’m sure you see it lingering but I was such a positive person I was such a good influence on people I was had so much advice like I would never be someone’s pain I was never someone’s Like I was always the good influence, like I was never somebody that your parents would want you to hang out with, you know, like, wow. But what I also appreciate is my best friend. She when she first found out I was using, she stopped talking to me for a little bit and it killed me. And then all of a sudden she came back around and start talking to me. And I’m like, I’m still doing the same thing like blah, blah, blah. Well, she’s still here. That’s actually who I was talking to earlier. She called me a couple weeks ago. Actually, it was right before she goes, she goes, I want to thank you and shadows never in my lifetime and through our friendship today. think that would be just rude to the student I can’t stop
like okay so you know the swings at the park in control of it you know the swings at an amusement park that are like in electrical leave whatever that you have no control when it like one fits this like not your standard the other ones just kind of a that’s the difference Enjoy them. Yeah, because I mean when you’re on the swing, you still enjoy it. Even though you feel like you’re gonna throw up. That’s what it feels like. It’s the worst, most exhilarating experience and it sucks because I don’t get that one I smoked it really I don’t get that when I do I never feel that and that feeling there’s only one way to experience it and you’re all forever chase that because there comes a point where you start feeling it and you’re like all in so you’re literally you’re not getting high anymore. You’re not feeling that rush anymore. You’re not in your Pokemon should have yourself to for no reason, but to just be okay because you’re not talking. We feel nothing. And that’s the point where I would get so fucking frustrated Dude, I did it back to that class. Like I back loaded the entire range which ended up making to bam bam. Nothing. No. Like I was doing so much that like, okay so people do this for 20 years whatever. Okay I’ve been shooting up since July Hello I just looked at the clock and I was like, oh man, I’ve been an hour. Oh, okay. Well then come down to the north, south, north south lesson. Okay? Yeah. All right. Bye bye.
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